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Aug. 30th, 2009 | 11:21 am

I just work up twenty minutes ago at 11 am. So uncharacteristically Zoe. I don't know what I'm going to do to punish myself. Oh, how about go into lab to play with some cells? Sounds like a plan. GAH.

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Aug. 29th, 2009 | 12:40 am

I simply cannot write my personal statement. It is awful. I keep expecting to have some sort of epiphany--some moment of clarity during which all 3400 characters will spill out of my fingers onto the blank screen with such eloquence as has never been seen in any writing of a document usually so routine...so customary...so average.

Yet I fear that this is exactly what it will be. Routine. Customary. Average. Things I so fear in any aspect of life. Things that I must not become.

Then I have an epiphany that I don't have epiphanies such as that aforementioned. I am no writer. In fact, I am no scientist. Lord knows I'm no genius. Someday I hope to be a doctor, and someday I hope to stand above the routine, customary, and average, and I need to convey to those select few underpaid, overworked members of the selection committees who determine my future that, given the chance, I can achieve the moderate success that I desire. Not from ambition. Not from greed. Not from a selfish yearning for prestige. What I desire is some inevitable draw to make things right. To help others. To make an some impact. To see change. Yet I cannot come off as some idealistic young person with only my naivete to guide me on my course to change the world. I'm sure they see enough of those. Heart in the right place, head in the clouds. I know I won't make the world a perfect place. How do I convey know this difference between making an impact and making things perfect? How do I show that I am grounded, yet motivated to pursue something greater than that which exists?

All of these unresolved ideas in my head need to be put on paper in coherent sentences very soon. I cannot think that Zoe, once an aspiring writer, cannot write a few simple words about herself and her genuine motivations to pursue her future career.

The only thing is, perhaps it truly is the only genuine thing I will have written, or at least for a very long time. Those countless BS essays I've written may have hindered more than helped me at this point. I remember the last piece of writing I was proud of. It was in sixth or seventh grade. I believe may have still wanted to be a "writer," at that point. I wrote about Opa, though I never really knew him that well. I wrote as if I knew him, and I felt after I had finished the essay that I did. I knew him so well. I can almost remember the last paragraph of that essay. How proud I was of it.

But that was long ago, and years of writing last minute essays on papers and books I hadn't read, and research papers on topics poorly researched, have left me with little imagination. I suppose I do enjoy writing this blog, but I would hardly consider it writing. When left to put my ACTUAL thoughts, not someone else's, not some paraphrased material, on to paper, I cannot. The simplest thing to write about, the subject with which I'm most intimate, namely being myself, I struggle on which to jot down a few insincerely expressed ideas. If I were an application committee I would see right through it.

I am done with that incoherent rant. I must also say, however, that I got a bike and proceeded to epically wipe out the second day riding to work. So utterly embarrassing.

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(no subject)

Aug. 11th, 2009 | 09:56 am

I'm sitting here at the hospital in my volunteer smock. If I belted it, it would probably be quite trendy. Quite. I've been avoiding revising my personal statement. I do hate writing about myself. I need something original. Something different from the schlock that everyone else writes. Perhaps I should just write in Yiddish and include lots of words like "schlock" and "schmuck" and "chutzpah." I'm sure med school admission boards would appreciate that, eh?

MCAT went pretty well, I think?

I need a spa week. I'm so effing tired of working. There faces me nothing but work, work, work for the rest of the life. Really makes me want to marry rich.

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Aug. 1st, 2009 | 11:29 pm

It has been hot here in Oregon. Like...all-time record breaking hot. Beginning to cool down now, but that was a painful couple of days. I ate many popsicles and drank much iced green tea. Perhaps a good diet theory. Also, didn't sleep much as the heat awoke me, drenched in sweat. Apart from all the sweating, the not eating, sleeping, and cold showers were quite nice. The whole thing is quite ironic, however, when one considers that this past winter we had record-breaking lows, and the "Arctic Blast." Global climate change, anyone?

I've discovered some awesome running loops around my house that go up the hill. Unfortunately, all the really intense runners go there, too, so I seem to be passed often by fifty-year-old men who are in better shape than I'll ever be.

Studying for the MCAT the second time around is just as bad, I've discovered. Not only do I seem to have forgotten much, but there's an overhanging sense of dread and this underlying pressure that accompanies it all. I feel I have to well...or else.

Or else, I'll obviously become a crack addict, and have 5 kids with a man who divorces me when I stop losing the baby fat after the third.

Then I get my own reality show. For realz.

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Jul. 29th, 2009 | 12:04 am

There was a ad on the side of my facebook "newsfeed" (I still cringe a little bit each time I use that word) for "Cheap Teeth Whitening." I shows a picture of this woman with some sort of gadget from 2064 inserted in her mouth. From it emanates a strange purple glow that illuminates her entire mouth area. Facebook, please stop selling yourself out for teeth whitening products that potentially cause infertility and gum cancer.

Now time for a "nap" (I still cringe a little bit each time I use that word) followed by more MCAT studying.


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Jul. 27th, 2009 | 08:35 am

I'm attempting to update the layout of this thing. I'm not as young as I used to be, and I'm afraid I can't quite figure it out. Those youngin's....so good at everything.

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Jul. 15th, 2009 | 07:38 am

Oh, sigh. How I yearn for an iPod that will actually fit all my music. Instead, I will go to work, taking with me an iPod that holds an entire 3 GB less than all of the music I own. It's a definite possibility that I will NEED to listen to the 3 GB I don't have on there. Probably a matter of life and death.

Also, there was a girl in the ICU with a severe case of malaria, which she contracted in Ghana. Take your lariam, folks, and don't bitch about the nightmares it gives you.

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(no subject)

Jul. 12th, 2009 | 10:10 am

I failed to realize that when they say "cable internet" they mean that a cable has to be plugged in to the modem. Jesus, Zoe.

Went on a hike yesterday--turned out to be an epic failure. It involved me bottoming out (in my ultra off-road Mercedes) more times than I've ever in my life, us not being able to find the trail head, and an 60 degree uphill incline for about a mile. We turned around before we actually got to see anything other than ferns and rhododendron plants. Good workout, I guess...and I still had fun.

Finding myself downloading more and more of the experimental, avant garde indie music in which garbage can lids and saws are viable instruments. I just love it. I blame it on the John Cage they made me listen to in music theory.

OH. Reason #1 that I'm glad Jaleh is moving in this week:
I went to get the mail and came back a few seconds later, only to find I had locked myself out. I had to walk to the YMCA, call a locksmith, and get him to pick the lock. The bill: $108. Fuck me.

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Jul. 8th, 2009 | 03:04 pm

Well, cnn.com, you've been my home page for quite a long time now, but I think it's time to say goodbye. The truth is, you're just getting ridiculous, and obviously don't report so much the scandalous, delicious little tidbits of what all us Americans were just dying to know. I'm sick of it.

Top story on BBC News (the American version, of course!): Google to launch operating system
Top story on CNN: Girlfriend killed ex-QB, then herself

That was the final straw, really. You Brits better prove yourselves.

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(no subject)

Jul. 4th, 2009 | 11:54 am

A most ironic thing: I bombed the verbal reasoning section of the MCAT, so I'm retaking it August 5th. Seriously. That was the section that I was counting on to bring my score up. Instead, I did well on the sciences and absolutely horribly on the section us liberal arts majors were trained to B.S. our way through. Of course I had consistently scored very well on the practice tests... I suppose it was just over-confidence. As I was taking the test, I just assumed I was going to ace that section, so I did kind of tune out during the whole thing. There goes my entire July.

It's 4th of July, and here I sit in the lab, treating neurons with chloroquine and performing cell proliferation assays. I just can't seem to understand how timed experiments work, and I how I don't want them to fall on weekends. After this, I venture to Banana Republic, where only the bravest and most patriotic of shoppers will be scouring our summer sale. I salute them.

I love my new place. The kitchen is tiny, and I still have so many boxes to unpack but it is so quiet and lovely!

I'm seriously considering getting a nice espresso maker for my housewarming present to myself. I'm already a music snob, and I really thing that everyone should be pretentious about at least two things in life. Music and coffee snobbery basically go hand in hand, especially in Portland, I'd say. There's just so many to choose from, though, and they range from $50-1200! Alas, music snobbery is easier with torrents and illegal downloads.

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