There's something rotten in the state of Denmark

It's 2:30 in the morning and I don't think I'm going to sleep anytime soon. Just got home from the lab a bit ago after reading papers on the different proposed methods of cell death caused by chloroquine. I was actually super into it. Kind of pathetic.

Today I went to dim sum for the first time since I was a kid, when I was scolded by the grumpy Chinese lady with the cart who told me that whatever was in the mysterious round pot (I'm thinking chicken feet??), was NOT for me (Zoe the whitey).

Recent obsession with black licorice. Shall I say recent obsession that has recurred.

Coincidental occurrences must not be misconstrued to mean fate.

Wrong Turn 3 a pathetic excuse for a horror/gore movie. Curry mediocre (not enough raisins, not enough curry), egg nog excellent, as usual.

Marketing techniques seduced my into buying a pair of Seven Jeans, even though they were still way too expensive. Good new is, I now have an ass (albeit small)!! To rationalize it, expensive jeans are still FAR less expensive than ass implants. Now, how do I rationalize my new snow boots when the snow doesn't come?! HUH?! There better be some god damn snowwwww.

In more exciting news, I got a haircut today. God how I love short hair.

I've been eating so much lately. Perhaps I'm preggers. Where are the pickles? I WANT THE PICKLES NOW. But not the preserved eggs in the rice pudding at dim sum. Asian people eat eggs in funny ways.

Halloween was fun. I was a paramedic (staying with the healthcare field theme). Boring? Yes. Free costume (courtesy of yang)? Yes. Short skirt? Yes. And I save lives, so you can't really beat that.

Also, two big events. #1: I made soup in my crock pot, and I'm super stoked to eat it tonight. #2: I'm going to seattle to visit Beth and Matt this weekend. That's right, I'm actually doing something on a weekend other than working! Very uncharacteristically Zoe. I haven't been up to Seattle in years, so it will be nice to visit. I might be more excited for the soup, though, but we all know that is only because I have issues. With food....and stuff.

Saw the most amazing thing at safeway last night. Two very large women were in line buying their groceries. Said groceries consisted of: value packs of Ramen noodles, a gallon of ice cream, candy bars, chocolate syrup, white bread, and other foods that represent that part od the food pyramid from which you're only you eat "sparingly." One of them noticed a travel size of Bayer aspirin and ended up buying that as well, as her doctor had told her it would be "good for her heart." Oh, the IRONY.

Plans to move to Canada are coming along nicely.

Am noticing lately that I no longer hum or sing. Am wondering why. Am missing piano.


I have decided that I'm going to move to Yellowknife in the Northwest Territories of Canada. I know, why is Zoe moving to Canada when she hates the Canadians? I'm not sure, but somehow, I have a desire to move to this semi-arid climate with averages of -30 degrees in the winter and a population of 20,000 people. You can observe the northern lights--something I've always wanted to see. Ill work as a secretary for one of the diamond mines. Yes, there are diamond mines! OH, and Les Stroud, host of Survivorman, is from there, so maybe ill get to see him! I'll take a picture. I hope to pick up a genuine Canadian accent and marry and Inuit.

The months fly by in my exciting life and I simply forget to update my blog. Because everyone's so interested...

Europe was fabulous. I must move there. Just the little hindrance of learning German. No big, right? I've totally mastered the guttural r, and that's gotta be the hardest thing.

My computer is slowly dying. It now must be plugged in to the wall to work (the battery won't charge) and I have to use a mouse. I'm not paying nearly $400 to fix these two minor problems...it's just annoying.

I've been working way, way too much. When I complained before, I really had no idea. It's like...over 60 hrs/week now, and it's ridiculous. But I do get to buy things...

Jaleh keeps renting this depressing documentaries about disadvantaged children on Netflix. When I say disadvantaged...I mean, well, homeless runaways, or bound for prostitution...I'm not talking growing up on the wrong sides of the tracks in Roseburg disadvantaged. I sit on my leather couch in my condo with crown molding and I feel a little more than guilty.

Any vestige of witticism that I once had is fading rapidly, and along with it my integrity. Why's that, you ask? I recently received my one year pin at Banana Republic. Nuff said.

Is it really nearly 2 am? Hum. Where did the time go?

I have been thinking a lot about things, but I'm not sure exactly what my thoughts are... As usual, everything in my mind is a jumbled, incoherent mess. I feel I should be recording my unimportant thoughts more often, however, as they will perhaps be amusing as I read over them when I'm eighty.

Writing med school secondary essays may perhaps be worse than the primaries. Ugh... I feel so unoriginal and bland--like a baked potato. To get into med school, I'm going to need chili, cheese, AND sour cream. Possibly chives, too. Oh, and a wee bit o' bacon. How do I fit all of that into a fucking essay?

I've been working WAY too much, and it's upsetting me. This week I'm scheduled for 58 hours, and that's way more than any human can handle while maintaining sanity. Luckily for me, I'm already insane, so I should have no problems.

Still trudging through Brothers Karamazov. It's very, very dense. I'll get really into it, read about ten pages, and then being exhausted, realizing I've just red ten pages of some intense philosophical diatribe. Very interesting, but hard to get through.

Ugh, I had such high hopes for this post. Perhaps a more witty one when I'm less tired.

Last night a guy, probably drunk, stoned, or both, asked me if I was Norwegian. I was offended, actually, and told him I was German. Psh....Norwegian.

Talking about europe, I'm going there in a bit over two weeks. So excited!!!! Except I have nothing to wear, and this is a problem. I was attempting to learn german, but then just got really pissed off at trying to pronounce the various inflections of the gutteral "r." So, I returned "Learn german in four easy steps" and bought some nice foundation from estee lauder. I feel its more important to be pretty than educated when traveling in a foreign country.

MCAT scores good. Zoe happy. I will get in somewhere, assuming I don't dress like a homeless person and act like Zoe in my interview...

Now I get to go shopping for an interview suit!!! Or...maybe I shouldn't get so ahead of myself...

I have this amazing ability to waste time. Mcat scores not up yet. I had someone check for me, because I'm a yellow bellied pansy. I don't think that's the correct colloquialism. Hum...

I spent labor day laboring away, as usual.

MCAT scores back tomorrow, and I'm not sure if I can check them. I'm really serious. Having spend $500 dollars on apps, it's a very scary prospect, indeed. I finally got a personal statement that I kind of liked, and I figured that it most likely wasn't getting any better than that.

Got a new phone, a snazzy Blackberry. No, it's not an iPhone, and yes, I will get carpal tunnel from typing in the infinitesimally small keys.

I've been commuting to work by bike every day for the past two weeks or so. It's such a great workout, and SO addicting!! I do get a little sweaty, but no one really likes me anyway, so my BO shouldn't make such a difference. Most of my nearly 4-mile ride to the lab is along the waterfront, and it's the best part of my day. No question. It's times like these when I could never imagine myself ever leaving Portland. It's so lovely.

Not much else is new in Zoe's life, but that is to be expected. I did get a fabulous new haircut, and have bangs that I actually like for the first time in my life. I can't even imagine having long hair these days. Absolutely insufferable. Ok, maybe an overstatement, but all the same.

I'm reading The Brothers Karamazov (slowly, for the second time, with a better translation) and I came upon something that I can completely relate with. Amazing how great literature has concepts still relevant to any era. Anyway, so at one point says that her love of humanity grows and grows with each passing day, yet the more it grows, the more she hates individual man himself. It sounds awful, it sounds HORRIBLE, but how true I find it.

I just work up twenty minutes ago at 11 am. So uncharacteristically Zoe. I don't know what I'm going to do to punish myself. Oh, how about go into lab to play with some cells? Sounds like a plan. GAH.

I simply cannot write my personal statement. It is awful. I keep expecting to have some sort of epiphany--some moment of clarity during which all 3400 characters will spill out of my fingers onto the blank screen with such eloquence as has never been seen in any writing of a document usually so routine...so customary...so average.

Yet I fear that this is exactly what it will be. Routine. Customary. Average. Things I so fear in any aspect of life. Things that I must not become.

Then I have an epiphany that I don't have epiphanies such as that aforementioned. I am no writer. In fact, I am no scientist. Lord knows I'm no genius. Someday I hope to be a doctor, and someday I hope to stand above the routine, customary, and average, and I need to convey to those select few underpaid, overworked members of the selection committees who determine my future that, given the chance, I can achieve the moderate success that I desire. Not from ambition. Not from greed. Not from a selfish yearning for prestige. What I desire is some inevitable draw to make things right. To help others. To make an some impact. To see change. Yet I cannot come off as some idealistic young person with only my naivete to guide me on my course to change the world. I'm sure they see enough of those. Heart in the right place, head in the clouds. I know I won't make the world a perfect place. How do I convey know this difference between making an impact and making things perfect? How do I show that I am grounded, yet motivated to pursue something greater than that which exists?

All of these unresolved ideas in my head need to be put on paper in coherent sentences very soon. I cannot think that Zoe, once an aspiring writer, cannot write a few simple words about herself and her genuine motivations to pursue her future career.

The only thing is, perhaps it truly is the only genuine thing I will have written, or at least for a very long time. Those countless BS essays I've written may have hindered more than helped me at this point. I remember the last piece of writing I was proud of. It was in sixth or seventh grade. I believe may have still wanted to be a "writer," at that point. I wrote about Opa, though I never really knew him that well. I wrote as if I knew him, and I felt after I had finished the essay that I did. I knew him so well. I can almost remember the last paragraph of that essay. How proud I was of it.

But that was long ago, and years of writing last minute essays on papers and books I hadn't read, and research papers on topics poorly researched, have left me with little imagination. I suppose I do enjoy writing this blog, but I would hardly consider it writing. When left to put my ACTUAL thoughts, not someone else's, not some paraphrased material, on to paper, I cannot. The simplest thing to write about, the subject with which I'm most intimate, namely being myself, I struggle on which to jot down a few insincerely expressed ideas. If I were an application committee I would see right through it.


I am done with that incoherent rant. I must also say, however, that I got a bike and proceeded to epically wipe out the second day riding to work. So utterly embarrassing.

I'm sitting here at the hospital in my volunteer smock. If I belted it, it would probably be quite trendy. Quite. I've been avoiding revising my personal statement. I do hate writing about myself. I need something original. Something different from the schlock that everyone else writes. Perhaps I should just write in Yiddish and include lots of words like "schlock" and "schmuck" and "chutzpah." I'm sure med school admission boards would appreciate that, eh?

MCAT went pretty well, I think?

I need a spa week. I'm so effing tired of working. There faces me nothing but work, work, work for the rest of the life. Really makes me want to marry rich.

It has been hot here in Oregon. Like...all-time record breaking hot. Beginning to cool down now, but that was a painful couple of days. I ate many popsicles and drank much iced green tea. Perhaps a good diet theory. Also, didn't sleep much as the heat awoke me, drenched in sweat. Apart from all the sweating, the not eating, sleeping, and cold showers were quite nice. The whole thing is quite ironic, however, when one considers that this past winter we had record-breaking lows, and the "Arctic Blast." Global climate change, anyone?

I've discovered some awesome running loops around my house that go up the hill. Unfortunately, all the really intense runners go there, too, so I seem to be passed often by fifty-year-old men who are in better shape than I'll ever be.

Studying for the MCAT the second time around is just as bad, I've discovered. Not only do I seem to have forgotten much, but there's an overhanging sense of dread and this underlying pressure that accompanies it all. I feel I have to well...or else.

Or else, I'll obviously become a crack addict, and have 5 kids with a man who divorces me when I stop losing the baby fat after the third.

Then I get my own reality show. For realz.

There was a ad on the side of my facebook "newsfeed" (I still cringe a little bit each time I use that word) for "Cheap Teeth Whitening." I shows a picture of this woman with some sort of gadget from 2064 inserted in her mouth. From it emanates a strange purple glow that illuminates her entire mouth area. Facebook, please stop selling yourself out for teeth whitening products that potentially cause infertility and gum cancer.

Now time for a "nap" (I still cringe a little bit each time I use that word) followed by more MCAT studying.

Whoopee.

I'm attempting to update the layout of this thing. I'm not as young as I used to be, and I'm afraid I can't quite figure it out. Those youngin's....so good at everything.

Oh, sigh. How I yearn for an iPod that will actually fit all my music. Instead, I will go to work, taking with me an iPod that holds an entire 3 GB less than all of the music I own. It's a definite possibility that I will NEED to listen to the 3 GB I don't have on there. Probably a matter of life and death.

Also, there was a girl in the ICU with a severe case of malaria, which she contracted in Ghana. Take your lariam, folks, and don't bitch about the nightmares it gives you.

I failed to realize that when they say "cable internet" they mean that a cable has to be plugged in to the modem. Jesus, Zoe.

Went on a hike yesterday--turned out to be an epic failure. It involved me bottoming out (in my ultra off-road Mercedes) more times than I've ever in my life, us not being able to find the trail head, and an 60 degree uphill incline for about a mile. We turned around before we actually got to see anything other than ferns and rhododendron plants. Good workout, I guess...and I still had fun.

Finding myself downloading more and more of the experimental, avant garde indie music in which garbage can lids and saws are viable instruments. I just love it. I blame it on the John Cage they made me listen to in music theory.

OH. Reason #1 that I'm glad Jaleh is moving in this week:
I went to get the mail and came back a few seconds later, only to find I had locked myself out. I had to walk to the YMCA, call a locksmith, and get him to pick the lock. The bill: $108. Fuck me.

Well, cnn.com, you've been my home page for quite a long time now, but I think it's time to say goodbye. The truth is, you're just getting ridiculous, and obviously don't report so much the scandalous, delicious little tidbits of what all us Americans were just dying to know. I'm sick of it.

Example:
Top story on BBC News (the American version, of course!): Google to launch operating system
Top story on CNN: Girlfriend killed ex-QB, then herself

That was the final straw, really. You Brits better prove yourselves.

A most ironic thing: I bombed the verbal reasoning section of the MCAT, so I'm retaking it August 5th. Seriously. That was the section that I was counting on to bring my score up. Instead, I did well on the sciences and absolutely horribly on the section us liberal arts majors were trained to B.S. our way through. Of course I had consistently scored very well on the practice tests... I suppose it was just over-confidence. As I was taking the test, I just assumed I was going to ace that section, so I did kind of tune out during the whole thing. There goes my entire July.

It's 4th of July, and here I sit in the lab, treating neurons with chloroquine and performing cell proliferation assays. I just can't seem to understand how timed experiments work, and I how I don't want them to fall on weekends. After this, I venture to Banana Republic, where only the bravest and most patriotic of shoppers will be scouring our summer sale. I salute them.

I love my new place. The kitchen is tiny, and I still have so many boxes to unpack but it is so quiet and lovely!

I'm seriously considering getting a nice espresso maker for my housewarming present to myself. I'm already a music snob, and I really thing that everyone should be pretentious about at least two things in life. Music and coffee snobbery basically go hand in hand, especially in Portland, I'd say. There's just so many to choose from, though, and they range from $50-1200! Alas, music snobbery is easier with torrents and illegal downloads.

Or I could just hook up the dvd player and watch a movie.